It's All's Good?

A week after Judy Bench sat alone and empty during a sparsely attended 'Wam football game, the veterans came home making an otherwise gray day seem sunny and warm.

Smiles from all

While all was well at the 'Wam, all was not well on the world wide web when 'Wam veteran and blog publisher Brewster Burns logged on to update this week's blog and found an advertisement for Mitt Romney in the banner ad to the right of the blog.

The clicks tell the story:
'Wam blog pageviews, by country

"Look," said a disgusted Burns, "I thought Google had great data on all it's users and tailored the ads for the person viewing the page.  I'm not Matt Corbett.  I'm a liberal, for cripes sake.  I'm about as likely to vote for Romney as I am calling ends-in, halfbacks-out on fourth an 30. It just doesn't make any sense."

While an angry Burns considered pulling the banner ad from the blog, he is concerned that losing the three ad-clicks with an estimated earnings of $1.65 over the last two years might prove to be a devastating blow to the marketability of the 'Wam brand. "We're just starting to get global traction: while our biggest emerging market is Germany, we're very excited about what's happening in Russia (see "Pageviews," left). We know it's called Коснитесь футбол there, but we think we have a chance of some serious expansion. One of the stumbling blocks is going to iron out the different rule interpretation.  They allow some blocking techniques that we outlawed in the 90's (see photo, right)."

Russian touch football -- so passionate,
they play in the streets!

When contacted by phone later in the week, Burns was asked if he had decided whether to drop the banner ad from the page . "No, it's all good.  I'm getting ads for laxatives and blood pressure meds again." 

Hurt, Bench Lashes Out

SOUTH WATERFORD -- After what seemed like another beautiful day had ended at the 'Wam and all the players had left, ghostlike sobs could be heard from the empty field.

Happier Days: Bench hangs with friends & family

     "I'm just so tired of all of it," a weeping Judy Bench exclaimed.  "I used to look forward to Sundays when everyone would come and hang out with me.  Now it's just me...and Hank, of course."
     Bench, in her 40th year of supporting players at the 'Wam waivered between sadness and anger.
     "Look at LaBossier.  He moved a mile a way.  Does he come to visit?  Hardly ever. And you know what get's me the most?  They won't talk to me all morning except when they need something: 'was he over the line?' they ask, or 'was Easton's count too fast?' I'm sick of it."

Getting some brief attention: Game Over

     Hank Burns, Bench's only companion for the last month agreed, but sounded a more defeated rather than angry note: "It's a sign of the desperation of old age when you feel married to a bench. I spent four years in college sitting on her distant cousin [Fred Bench of Amherst] but at least then there were a bunch of us.  Now, I just find myself running out of things to say to her.  We just sit here...in silence..."
   Asked what she expects this week, Bench got angrier.  "Expect?  That's what's been killing me -- somehow I expect things will be different.  I just need to face reality: I'm not needed and can't wait for Bobby to take me in for the winter!"
   After a long pause, hardly moving in the warm mid-day sun, Bench sounded a more wistful tone: "But, I do hope to see everyone again.  Please let them know that I'm really not that angry. I just want things to be the way they were..."
     Bench, along with others, hopes to see you Sunday.

    

Burns finally gets a taste of his own medicine

Brewster Burns, red-hot for 2012, came into Sunday having thrown numerous TD passes with no interceptions. All that changed Sunday when Burns finally met his match and had to throw against himself.

The showdown was set up when Steve LaBossiere and Ted Tibbets picked teams and announced to Burns,"The teams are fine, but we have no place for you."

When it was clear that the only solution was for Burns to throw for both sides, he found himself in a situation facing an opponent he couldn't beat.

"The guy's unbelievable," a frustrated Burns said after the game. "I mean, he's just so precise with his throws. I felt like I couldn't keep up with him. Every time I tried to match him, I forced it too much and make a bad throw. I just don't see any way he can be beat."

After the game, a triumphant Burns (and winner of the Square Toe Award) said that it was nice to finally match up against someone who was good as him. Burns was gracious in victory: "Hey, the guy's all class. He made some really nice throws out there. I kind of feel like I was lucky to win."

The defeated Burns was having none of it. "Look," he said, "the guy's just flat out better than me -- I have no answers. You'll have to find somebody else to face him next week."

Burns Receives the Square Toe Award:

The Participants:

Immigration Reform Heats Up at the 'Wam

As the presidential election approaches, immigration reform once again becomes a focus of attention.  Republicans espouse the need for stronger border enforcement and the use of biometric data to track foreign travelers. Democrats support controversial measures like "The Dream Act" which allows citizenship for children born of illegal immigrants.

While immigration reform is a hot issue on the national stage,  its importance in Maine is slight -- until last Sunday.

On a day that welcomed back older veterans like Matt Corbett and youngsters Eli and Atticus Soehren, as well as newcomer Jesse (soon to have a last name and the only person to where a plaid shirt since Peter Morse), the usual carefree atmosphere of 'Wam was shattered by the announcement that Australian Sam Iggulden won Square Toe honors:

During the week a group of 'Wam veterans convened a secret meeting and allowed reporters to attend only under the condition that no names be released.

"Look, it's bad enough they're taking our jobs -- now they have to take our Square Toe award?" said one 'Wam veteran.  "I mean, c'mon, we call what we wear on our feet 'cleats,' and he calls them 'boots.'

Another veteran added, "His accent is cool and everything, but we work hard every single week and he shows up for the first time and gets the award?  It's not right."

Jay Burns, who selected Iggulden, and who refused to attend the mid-week meeting, commented that maybe the problem isn't with Iggulden:  "I'm not pointing fingers, but the guy spent half the day laying himself out for receptions and interceptions.  Maybe if the others guys weren't taking plays off, they'd be considered."

When asked to comment on Burns' accusations, spokesman for the disgruntled veterans questioned Burns' motives. "The supreme court is about to strike down affirmative action, Romney's going to get elected and shut down the borders, and, besides, Burns works at that liberal fantasy-land Bates College. What's he trying to do? Turn this game upside down?"

When asked for comment, Iggulden took the high road. "Hey, I couldn't even get off the couch when I got home.  I was so sore Monday morning that I had to pull my underwear up with coat-hangers. I think my effort stands for itself."

Last Week's Participants:

The battle resumes in the rain Sunday -- see you there.

Earning His Nickname

Dew Factor: 10

As the mist came down, play began at the 'Wam with quarterback Steve LaBossiere looking for Carter Labossier, literally, as he couldn't be found.  Dubbed "Gatherer" by Jay Burns (out, see below), play began with Gatherer refusing to come to the field, nearly hidden playing under a soccer goal.  While the reasons for the holdout were never clear, when he finally joined the game, he gathered in catches and yards, earning his nickname and the Square Toe honors for the week:

While the game opened with a slight mist, steady rain ensued for the remainder. Babby Strauss, usually weary of field damage during wet conditions, was oblivious and delirious as his Baltimore Orioles are now in first place -- and the Red Sox are not.

The Participants

Ten players toughed out the conditions and may had more fun than those who did not come:  Matt Corbett (taking out docks), Matt Higgins (business display at a wet Fryeburg Fair), Jay Burns (spousal support of his wife in a half-marathon event), Ted Burns (ditto, except filial, not spousal), Mark Soehren (exchanging game tapes with the Bangor coach in Waterville), Mike Brennan (golf), and Cam Letourneau (conjunctivas--couldn't see out of one eye).

Chris Easton, on hearing that Jay Burns would be watching his wife running a half marathon commented, "Well, he's got at least 2 free hours to play." Two hours and 5 minutes, to be exact.

Other questions:
-Would Mark Soehren have had as much interest driving to Waterville has his Vikings lost Saturday?
-How close was Mike Brennan to helecoptering a club in the wet playing conditions at Norway Country Club (either by mistake or on purpose)?
-If Cam Letrourneau had played, would he have been the first to play Wam with vision in only one eye?
-Was there any point during the morning when Matt Corbett wasn't thinking that he wished he was at the 'Wam?

Notes & Past Media (click here to see all photos):

Much was made about off-season preparation, but kudos to Chris Bryant for clearly spending some time in the gym.  Which Chris Bryant would you pick?

Week Two Participants

Who's going to pout more -- Jay Burns for dropping this pass, or Eli Soehren for not getting to play?

Week Three Participants

Might be a clip...

 

Square Toe Week Two

New Blood

Dew Factor: 9

Subs?

Opening day for the 39th season of 'Wam football saw enough players for subs -- something unheard of since the 90's.  Despite the absence of Chris Easton (holding out for a better contract), Sam Iggulden (holding onto a new baby) and Ted Tibbetts (holding a paddle on a river), an influx of new blood and the return of key veterans brought the player total to 19.

A Rookie Receives the Square Toe Award

Tasker Winslow aims a bit higher than previous winners:

The Participants:

Media:

'Wam Bowl 2011 Plays into Overtime

Dew Factor: 0 or 10 (depending on whether you think snow counts as dew)

For the first time in history, the 'Wam Bowl ended in a tie after regulation play.  The pressure was palpable as Team Young vs. Team Old headed into overtime:

Off-Season News & Notes

• A disgruntled Mark Soehren broke from the Poland Panther summer track program to create an Oxford Hills youth track program.  Publicly, the move was made to strengthen the feeder system for the high school track program.  However, sources indicate the program was secretly a 'Wam training session for certain members of the Paine, Soehren, LeBlond and Corbett families.
• Ted Burns has been running 20-minute 5k's over the summer after realizing the easiest way to excel at 'Wam is to simply be in shape.
• Matt Corbett is also attempting to show up in shape has been participating in an experimental osmotic method by hanging around high school football practices.
• Hank Burns has been improving his stamina wandering through the infield of the Windsor Fair race track in search of a winner's circle that was moved sometime between now and 1986, the last time he visited the winner's circle.
• Jay Burns, whose horse has been consistently stopping at the end of every race, will using various horse training techniques and drug therapies to improve his performance this year. Among those used on his horse that he may try on himself at the 'Wam: throat injections, spending a week in a field, 30cc's of vodka mainlined, blinders, tranquilizers and earplugs.